It’s a slow fade when you give yourself away
It’s a slow fade when black and white turn to grey
And thoughts invade
Choices are made
A price will be paid when you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day
It’s a slow fade
-
“slow fade” by Casting Crowns (chorus)
Today, the 6th day of September, 2015 (please mark the date down people…lol) I
will do something I never thought I’d be able to do… *drum rolls please*…wait
for it….I WILL TALK ABOUT MY WEIGHT………………well use it as the reference point for
what I want to discuss today. Now, anyone who knows me well knows that this is
a very sensitive talk for me…like top 3 sensitive. But I consider this growth
for me.
So anyway, I finally took the plunge and got me
a personal trainer. And before you say; ‘too much money’, that is true (lol)
but it is not why. You see working out is my least favourite thing to do… in fact it doesn’t make
the least (list)…so I needed like someone to push me. Well, we’ll do a little flash
back right now…
I was never the skinny
girl o… yes, I was not ‘fat’ either but I was never thin. But from my primary
school, exercise was like ‘hell no!’ for me; except you forced me. So when it
came to inter-house sports/competition, I was always marching. Funny enough I just
enjoyed marching… I always marched right till my ss2; when I proudly commanded
Red house to victory! Haha! I was that good. After all those years of marching.
Anyway, during P.E, I can count how many times I ran or did gymnastics. When we
had to pick a sport sometime in jss2, I picked badminton and I sucked at it! No
hand eye coordination at all. And the one I hate the most; Jogging! Jeez, i
dreaded waking up in the mornings to be forced to jog to the gate and back in
Jss2 and then ss3 every Saturday. In short, I concluded that sports, working
out or whatever was not my thing. This would have been very ok, because I am
not a foodie; someone who just likes food. But it is not because I like junk
and I am a book worm so I am either reading and eating cookies or something. You
understand now? I don’t know who to blame for this…my mum made me read ehn…my
childhood was spent either in church; singing, practicing a dance routine etc
or in school; where I never did rough play or at home where I had a routine; siester,
read, help out in the house, 1 hour of t.v, read, devotion and sleep (in that
order). So you see, I didn’t roll tires or play with sand or run naked in the
rain. But she did try to get me to eat food and I wouldn’t…
Ok so because I was going
to school and all that, my unhealthy eating never really showed; especially
that I went to a boarding school. Then, after ss3, I didn’t get into the
university immediately… you know the system now… and I wanted to study law and law alone . Anyway, I could not get
in for 2 years and I think those were the worst 2 years for me personally. I was
angry. I had worked hard and had my whole life planned out; the age I will
graduate, go to law school, work, marry etc. Then, it was just not happening. You
know that feeling, now. I became depressed and I ‘let myself go’. Now I worked
in like 3 different places during intervals in those 2 years but most times, I was
home. Then I started consuming junk like air…I was just eating and chewing;
biscuits, sweets, coke, yogurt, anything sweet. Like it would solve the issue
or make me forget. And my dearest mother would say,” Dew the day your body will
show this things, you will not like it. Slow down”. I’d roll my eyes because I felt
she did not understand. Please note
that if I ever told you about the other factors involved, that wasn’t a lie. This
is just the part I never admitted to..lol. Then one day my clothes started getting really tight and I looked in
the mirror and I was like 2 times what I used to be. I was abit freaked out but
I thought, it couldnt get worse and I was angry so I had a reason to binge. I could
have just stopped myself at that point but I didn’t. I made an excuse and felt I
was justified. Until it was late. Ha! Then people would see me and shout, what
have you done to yourself and some wouldn’t even recognize me. At that point I knew
it was just too bad. Then school came and I felt there was an escape, nobody
knew me here so they would take what they got. But then, you know the typical
Uni setting. Girls being all shapy and stuff. God! Then, I hated pictures. If they
were not selfies, count me out!! I had stopped my emotional eating by now and
even drastically reduced my junk intake but I still couldn’t bring myself to
work out. My excuse was that I had no time. Keeping up my status in class, my
leadership responsibilities and church was a hell of work and if I had any free
time it would be to sleep! I’d tell myself I will start next Saturday and then Saturday
and on and on and I just didn’t.
Well, long story
short, I hated my body, which I had contributed to getting and I had trouble admitting
that, and was not doing anything to fix it. I avoided the topic. Got mad at
whoever dare mention it etc. till one day I got tired of not facing the truth
and decided to deal with the problem. Hence the trainer… now I was all pumped
up but when we started, I knew the meaning of pain. Then when the pain got
intense, I’d say: no pain, no gain….
That’s where am at right now.
Enjoyed the jist/confession? Good! 2 days ago, as I sat in
my room thinking of how I didn’t want to smell junk ever again, the Holy Spirit
opened my eyes to a comparison… You see, I didn’t have to be here but I am
because I let myself go. And I kept making excuses… this is what most of us do,
everyday. We take up one bad habit, start compromising…telling ourselves it is
alright when it is not and we know it. We get mad at anyone who tries to echo the
truth to us; saying they don’t get it. Sometimes we start because we cannot
deal with a situation, sometimes it’s because people say we are too uptight!
Note; it is good to be balanced; not too uptight but not loose either, but
never ever compromise on a principle. What is right is right and what is not,
just isn’t. If you have a challenge find a solution, don’t indulge in a ‘get-away’
act. Because every seed sown must be reaped! There is no avoiding it. It’s like
this; the more you do whatever that thing is, the deeper you sink, the deeper
you fall into that dark hole and one day, you wouldn’t even recognize your
reflection, inside out. The example of my weight gain is a physical thing and
is detrimental to my physical health but there are more serious issues that
affect our spiritual health; our relationship with the father. Your life;
eternity is very much precious and priceless. It was purchased with the blood
of the Son of God(John 3:16), can you beat that? No!
The song above, slow fade says it all: it starts small and
slowly; one little compromise here and there and then the lines become
blurry. We don’t become fat over night
or crumble in a day. It is a process….
So Good news is;
It is not too late to STOP and start doing right by God and yourself.
It starts with the decision…Say no to whatever is trying to
make a mockery of the sacrifice of Jesus.
Not so good news;
It is not going to be easy, infact it is going to hurt! Cutting away
from that thing that is not right for you; could be food, a person, a movie,
song, habit etc
AWESOME
NEWS;
You have got a ‘personal trainer’ who does not charge for his services!
All he requires is that you accept the sacrifice on the cross of calvary (if
you haven’t), remind yourself (if you have forgotten) and surrender to his
help. He’d take you through the process.
He would be there every step of the way, reminding you of his grace( 2
corinthians 12:9) and his love.
Today, Pray for the forgiveness of God and ask for his help to do the
right thing…
Also it is important to keep a great support system; people who would pray with and encourage you, around you so be
weary of your company…
Now I must say that the worst lie we tell ourselves is; “ I have
gone too far to turn back” or “ God doesn’t want anything to do with someone
like me”… All that is not true…. It is not too late as long as you are alive…
So DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT TODAY!
Now that I have poured that out, I will apologize for the
loooooong gaps in writing. It is unavoidable at the moment. But I still love
and pray for you all!
So, well, till I write again…live in awesomeness! :*
